Transgender Etiquette

This information attempts to cover some basic etiquette guidelines for interacting with transpeople in casual contexts. For information on dating and intimate situations, check out Raven Kaldera's How to Get Your Hands on a Transman and The Transwoman's Boudoir, and How to Get Into It.


Some people have asked me how they can avoid offending me, or avoid offending other trans people. Here are some examples of offensive and non-offensive things to say and do,and a bit about why. Being transgendered is normal variation of human existence, but it isn't yet normal in our culture. We are used to seeing a perverse focus on the "freak show" aspects of transgender in the media, so it is important that we give ourselves an opportunity to relearn how to interact with transpeople with respect.



Get transpeoples' pronouns right! This is your number one proving ground for living up to your values. People have long told me that it's "just hard for them" to get pronouns right. They've been raised this way or that, or they're accustomed to this or that manner of speech. I do not put any stock in this line of reasoning. This is why.

Pronoun correctness comes from an understanding of its importance, not one's degree of gender programming. After all, transpeople were raised just like average people, with the same linguistic and gender identification training. Yet transpeople almost never screw up pronouns. Beyond the gender deprogramming they've experienced as a result of their identity, it comes down to knowing how much it matters--viscerally & emotionally. Every time you call a transperson by the wrong pronoun, a little angel falls out of heaven. Just remember that.

After sitting in a circle with other activists and hearing myself referred to many times over with the wrong pronoun by folks who knew better, I brightly brought up the following concept. What if every time one got someone else's pronoun incorrect, they lost a finger? How many times would it take before the confusion got cleared up? My guess is not very long! The consequences to a transgendered person from hearing the wrong pronoun all day are not so serious as the loss of a finger, but it takes a great and needless toll. If you avoid pronouns altogether or use something else (like "they") the person will notice that you are doing everything in your power to not really use the right pronoun.

The central point in all this pronoun business is that you do not have to understand or agree with it in order to call someone by the pronoun they prefer. None of us will ever completely understand the way another human being experiences reality. Humans experience their genders, among other parts of their lived experience, in complex and mutable ways that are not always translatable or explainable. By respecting someone else with the words we use for them, we communicate our respect for humans as a whole, and for the diverse and hidden things that make up our experience of reality and ourselves.

Non trans (cisgender) people, sometimes because they are queer or crossdress at times, assume that they understand transgender and can define other people's lives or advise them.

From a queer, biomale stranger at a party that had been hitting on me: "You know, you don't have to be transgendered." Really? Wow. All this time!

Transpeople have given their identities plenty of thought and are doing what they feel is best. You insult their intelligence and common sense by assuming you know better than they do about a very complex issue! There may come a time when you can ask some questions, but always do so with a genuine intent to learn. Never approach the issue as if you are entitled to answers--you're asking a favor, and you might be turned down. If so, there are books and internet resources which you can use to educate yourself.

Telling the transperson that they would be attractive if they (fill in the blank); if they had a certain body part; or that they are attractive as a (guy/girl, which ever they do not identify as), is offensive. If you think the person is attractive and it's an appropriate time to say so, say so. If not, shut up- don't quantify your comment with an "if" or a "for a girl..."

Keep in mind that talking about hormones, surgery, sexual parts, gender dysphoria, discrimination, trans-phobic violence, etc., may be easy for you, but it is not usually easy for trans people. The trans person you just met probably is asked to explain things about their personal feelings, body, and sexual identity everywhere they go. Your curiosity comes second to their comfort and security. There may be times when asking personal, gender-related questions may make a trans person feel very unsafe, especially if the questions cause other people nearby to focus on that person.

Skip out on over-emphasizing words that correctly name the person's gender. For example, you've just found out Person X is a transman. You call him "Sir" or "guy" in practically every sentence, with obvious over-emphasis or giggles. This is the person's gender and an integral part of their experience, not a joke or a performance, and they aren't doing it to be cute.

Not offensive

Ah, finally! Yes, cisgendered people can exercise wonderful transgender etiquette and treat the trans people around them with dignity and respect. Here are some suggestions.


It's okay to ask respectful questions at respectful times. You can ask a transperson you just met what their pronoun preference is. If you get to know them better, you might politely ask what their gender identity is. That is a more private question. It is not for yelling out in crowded rooms. Questions like "Are you going to have/have you had the surgery," "What kind of parts do you have," and "How do you like to have sex," are not appropriate at this stage of social interaction. You do not have an offhand right to know about a transperson's hormonal, surgical, anatomical, or sexual status.

If you're going to be having sex with the person, these questions become more appropriate. Asking privately is best, and listening well is important. If you find that you really cannot see him/her/zir as the gender they tell you they are, do them the honor of not pursuing the sexual relationship any further.

Being transgendered is normal variation of human existance, but it isn't yet normal in our culture. It's a "loaded" issue with transfolk, who are used to seeing a perverse focus on the "freak show" aspects of transgender in the media and who may have faced violence and discrimination.

Give gender-appropriate compliments or insults. For example, if you like a transwoman, you might try "pretty," "beautiful," etc. For a transman, handsome works best. Stud works okay, too. For insults, transmen can be called "bastards," "dicks," "motherfuckers," etc. Transwomen may prefer terms like "bitch" and "cunt." Don't insult a person's (trans)gender just because you're mad at them. That's low.

It's fine to correct the use of an incorrect pronoun. There's no need to apologize or make a scene if you slip. The trans person is likely to forgive you, especially if they're sober. If you need to apologize because you really want to make the person feel better, go for it, and just get it right next time. One thing that cisgender people can do that is incredibly awesome is to act just as if they'd just screwed up a cisgender person's pronouns (and that happens, too.) Laughed at yourself as if you've done something ridiculous and nonsensical (you have.)

Example: "Sorry, I'm so drunk, I can't talk right"/"Pff, I just realized I called you ma'am earlier, I'm totally out of it today." etc.

Respect a trans date or friend's need to leave a situation. People who are at higher risk have a strong "danger signal." People who are in less vulnerable social positions, like straight white men, may never have developed this kind of intuition.